This is my college essay, how is it so far?

I am a dynamic map, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone before a live audience, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Small Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in like, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I delight in urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my first line of corduroy sundown wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a roving centrifugal-force revelation. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that sundown. I know the exact place of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I learned the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Small town, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.

Answer by Beauty smartie
Not to be rude…but this is sort of a brag fest. show some passion without just stating your numerous accomplishments. not to mention that some of these are random and irrelevant (“children trust me?”) How can you rephrase this? Don’t just say what you did, say how! Show some personality!!!

Answer by ~ Super Ginger~
This is not first.
I’ve seen a very similar essay that someone wrote to get into college a couple years back when it went viral on the internet.

Sorry

What do you reckon? Answer below!

moby dictator
moby tour

Image by the future of petes
goteborg sweden

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone before a live audience, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Small Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in like, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I delight in urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my first line of corduroy sundown wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a roving centrifugal-force revelation. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that sundown. I know the exact place of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I learned the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Small town, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Answer by Sarah S
Its pretty average to be honest with you…

Answer by Hsiang T
While i applaud your creative writing and humor, the essay really presents nothing about who you really are or what you really reckon.

You are just before a live audience a character, and at that, an unoriginal character which presently already exists in commercial advertising (dos equis / ancient spice bodywash / chuck norris jokes).

So while excellent for entertainment or a writing class , it probably will score very low in terms of your college application.

The purpose/goal of the essay is to learn something about you; not to test your abilities in writing or rhetoric or entertainment.

Answer by Lauren
Too much I’s. I know what your trying to point out here but its not apt grammer. I hope your kidding, because as a weirder reading this I dont judge it. I reckon I just used 5 i’s in the sentences I just wrote because of your writing. Maybe 7.

Answer by PE2008
Very excellent essay. Send it to University of Phoenix, where you have a excellent chance of admission.

Answer by Mike
Give it a shot, I like it. It makes you stand out from the crowd which is very vital. Many essays that just write about running or before a live audience baseball and how it taught them discipline is soooo dull and dead. Yours is a breath of fresh air and it’s kinda humerous as well.

Give your answer to this question below!